Should I have left the wart lady ?

I always wonder if I will end up like Paula Abdul for going to a cheaper nail salon, you know, where the manicures are $8 instead of $13 in the city. She got reamed for suing a crap shoot of a salon after she got a fungus infection on her nail or something, I think.

This lady had a huge wart on her hand as she began my manicure. I thought, “ do I say something”- but they seemed so happy I had wandered in this salon. “ I will just pay close attention so that the wart doesn’t touch my hand”- One hand was buffed and rounded and the other was ¾ done, and then my phone beeped. “ I wonder who that is, better check” I thought, and just as I reach out to my phone I felt a flaky cap of skin, UGH! CONTACT! I felt the crust wart touch my hand, naked flesh against flesh. Why was it not bandaged? Didn’t she know I could see it? Were others glaring in the window judging me and my choice of nail salon? Did they know the secret of the wart? Is that why I was the only one in there!

This was the first time I said no to the free hand massage during the manicure and lied saying “I am in a rush”. I bet she knew her wart had scared me because I then sat and proceeded to dry my hands under the dryer for 12 minutes. I usually love that hand massage, but all I could think about was four naked hands, rubbing and kneading, entangled with cheap lavender lotion, like a STD scare in college after unprotected sex.

Police Urge New Yorkers to Keep Watchful Eye.

Police urge New Yorkers to stay vigilant after receiving a phone call late Friday evening that a birth stone pinky ring with square red stone and diamond chips on the side had gone missing in Astoria, Queens.

Authorities say to be on the look out for a male suspect, 46-54 years of age with a jet black, bouffant hair style, exceedingly tan skin and a white polyester jump suit with designs or sequins. They believe him to have a powerful overabundance of curly, salt and pepper chest hair, and carry one of those Barker-esque microphones with him. Be advised.

Advertising Genius Found Street Side Signed as PR Rep for Dodd/Bartels...

Queens, NY.
Kenny Tafta, street chef, and Long Island City resident for nearly fifteen years was just signed as lead PR Representative for the New York comedians Dodd & Bartels.

"Tafta has the most popular heroes in Queens" explained Bartels, "we wanna be that popular."

A phenomenon that can only be attributed to his unique marketing skills, Tafta has customers lining up around 31st Avenue at lunch time daily. Urging consumers to not "be afraid" when trying his street side cart lunches, and using positive expressions such as "yah" and "yahhh" has helped his sales flourish in this shaky economic time.

"I usually get the falafel." Smiled Dodd.

When asked for a comment, Tafta quipped "I sell hot meat for a living, this shouldn't be much different."

Dodd and Bartels are booked to perform at The Neptune Diner through the holidays in a comedy sensation entitled They're Good, Don't be Afraid, Just Try Them, Yahhh.

Dodd and Bartels Video Debut!

In 1993...

A 10 year old "Jenny" Dodd wrote in her diary:

"Maybe I'm not normel. I'm breaking out in tiny zits! Maybe I'll make them look like freckels. I hate this pre teen stuff. Life's hard. Jonathan Brandis is so cute. I want to do it with him and I want a baby. I wish I could meat him."

A Bad Lunch.

As the giant soup can crept quietly behind the unsuspecting Janie to ravage and murder her, he thought to himself "I hope she's not a screamer. That would be SOUPer."

Cookie Monster Shaves his Legs...

...for the right muppet.

Alexa Vaughn. 54. New York, NY

This is Alexa. She is the musical director for a children's theatre in New York City. She stands while she plays the piano, and has a high soprano singing voice with a very slow and deliberate vibrato.

Alexa Vaughn says things like, "I'm grateful and humbled to be on this artistic journey with you." She once told a 9 year old actress that she would be a more entertaining singer if her figure was "more pleasing". Alexa then winked sweetly and patted her knee.

She has a Border Collie named Zacharia that she won in a divorce settlement from her first and only husband, Keith. She never pets Zacharia because she's afraid of getting her fingers dirty, but she will occasionally sing for him.

When she sings Zacharia hides under the couch. The sound reminds him of the time his mother was hit by a train car when he was just a pup. Zacharia has nightmares, and worries that losing his mother at such a young age is the cause of his homosexuality and inability to commit.

Alexa likes the smell of steamed broccoli and has it almost every night for dinner. Alone. Always alone.

Women who are probably named Linda.

Example #1. This is Linda of the "Connecticut Linda's". She wears carmex and drives an aqua Taurus. She always has kleenex in her purse, but they're usually warm, slightly crumpled and semi questionable. She probably goes sailing once a year.

Example #2. "Older Linda" who was once "Sporty Linda". She still does things to "keep active". Low level sports, like golf or occasionally tennis. She always brings potato salad to the party (the kind made with mustard, not mayo).


Example #3. In this photo, you'll find Linda on the left. This is "mid-western Linda". She is one of your grandmother's friend's from high school. She is now the secretary there. She wears sweat shirts that say "Go Tigers" on game day with a matching turtle neck underneath. She is sitting by Dorothy.

Tongue

At least once a month I have a dream that I am eating my own tongue. Its not gross, because I literally have it on a plate in front of me and I use a fork and steak knife to cut it up. And whomever I am dining with does not find this odd at all. 

Typical Friday for a one Miss Jenn Dodd...

...as she snuck up on the sleeping MTA attendant, to rip him from his peaceful slumber, she paused and thought of the dreams he may be having; a dream of his true love? His childrens future? Or quite possibly his own? Perhaps he was dreaming of a song which he would later write. This song would be the most poignant and eye opening song ever penned. It would speak to his generation about tolerance in a way that would bring the whole world together in a beautiful, universal hug and demolish hate for all eternity..."Fuck it."
photo by Mike Reardon

Loretta. A risky woman with a whiskey past.

Its Jennifer- The blonde

I am Jennifer, the blonde one.  I debated getting veneers and then realized my teeth are cute and clean as is. I love pasta and running, but sometimes when I run I associate the rapid beating of my heart to a panic attack I had when I was 23 and stoned. Then I stop and walk very slow, while looking at people to get my mind off of it. I chew the inside of my cheek, and when I was a smoker, I thought that the chemicals would seep into the little fresh wounds and I would most definitely have cancer of the cheek or mouth. (www.jenniferbartelsonline.com)

Intro-dodd-tions...

I would like to start by personally introducing myself. I'm half of this blog; the "red" half. I am Jenn Dodd. This is me:

I like crunchy food. I am not as perky as I look. I do not like steak or people who act like they are entitled to things because they are rich or good looking or a man. Steve Martin is my idol. I like beer, but never drink it because I am afraid of being fat. I used to be very fat, and now I'm not. I was briefly anorexic, but now I'm not. I do not blame this on society or the media. I blame this on myself because I ate a ton of food.

Below is a list of my favorite foods while I was anorexic:
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